Part 1 of the How Not to Succeed in Law School

This is a very long and hilarious law journal article. This is not done by me but is definitely worth reading whether you're in, out or never plan on going to law school.


How Not to Succeed in Law School
By James D. Gordon III, Professor of Law, Brigham Young University

100 Yale L.J. 1679
Copyright © 1991 Yale Law Journal Company.

I. SHOULD YOU GO TO LAW SCHOOL?

Would you like to help the less fortunate?

Would you like to see liberty and justice for all?

Do you want to vindicate the rights of the oppressed?

If so, you should join the Peace Corps. The last thing you should do is attend law school.

People basically hate lawyers, and with good reason. That's why you'll rarely escape from a dinner party without hearing at least one lawyer joke. Indeed, literature reveals that people have always hated lawyers. Samuel Coleridge wrote in The Devil's Thoughts:

He saw a Lawyer killing a Viper
On a dunghill hard by his own stable;
And the Devil smiled, for it put him in mind
Of Cain and his brother, Abel.

Even other species detest lawyers. Carl Sandburg wrote:

Why is there always a secret singing
When a lawyer cashes in?
Why does a hearse horse snicker
Hauling a lawyer away?

It is true that some lawyers are dishonest, arrogant, greedy, venal, amoral, ruthless buckets of toxic slime. On the other hand, it is unfair to judge the entire profession by a few hundred thousand bad apples. In fact, there are many perfectly legitimate reasons for going to law school. For example, ask yourself the following questions:

Do I want to go to medical school but can't stand the sight of blood?

Are my inlaws pestering me to death to do something meaningful (i.e., lucrative) with my life? Have I considered circulating petitions to ban inlaws, but realized that it would only spawn stupid bumper stickers saying, "WHEN INLAWS ARE OUTLAWED, ONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE INLAWS"?

Did I major in English and have absolutely nowhere else to turn?

If these questions ring a bell, you might feel that law school is for you. Lie down for a while until the feeling goes away. If it doesn't go away, prepare yourself for the consequences. For example, your grandparents will immediately scrape off their bumper sticker that says, "ASK ME ABOUT MY GRANDCHILDREN." You see, they grew up in a time when a person's word was his bond, when a handshake was enough, when disputes were worked out amicably and quickly among people of good will. Fortunately, you don't live in such primitive times! Today, you can make a handsome income exploiting other people's personal tragedies and society's declining sense of community. And just in time, too -- right when you are graduating from college. Talk about lucky!


II. TAKING THE LSAT

Before you can go to law school, you have to take an exam called the LSAT. Nobody knows whether the "A" in LSAT stands for "Admissions," "Aptitude," or "Arbitrary." The LSAT basically measures how well you can use a number 2 pencil to fill in the little circles on the computer sheet. Be sure to fill in the circles completely and carefully. Do not make any stray marks on the paper. This will lower your score. The instructions at the top of the exam carefully explain that these are the grading criteria, but hardly anyone ever pays any attention to them.

The old LSAT scores went up to 800, but a few years ago the LSAT people (whoever they are) changed the exam so that now the highest possible score is 48. This looks pretty suspicious, if you ask me. I mean, why 48? Why not a nice round number, like 100? The secret truth is that a group of law professors who scored 48 on the old exam lobbied the LSAT people to make 48 the highest score.

The old LSAT had -- I am not making this up -- a math section. After conducting an exhaustive nationwide study, however, the LSAT people finally realized that no one had asked a lawyer to solve a quadratic equation or find the cosine of an angle for, probably, several centuries, and so they eventually deleted it. This action was taken against their better judgment (using the term loosely). After all, the math section provided a handy way to discriminate among people of equal intelligence.

Frankly, the current LSAT isn't much better. It asks questions like, "Compare Madam Defarge in A Tale of Two Cities with Huckleberry Finn in Huckleberry Finn." This makes no sense at all, since lawyers rarely address this question.

Another typical question on the current LSAT goes like this:

Assume you have a fox, a goose, and a bag of corn. You need to row them all across the river, but the boat will carry only you and one other thing at a time. If you leave the fox and the goose alone, the fox will eat the goose. If you leave the goose and the corn alone, the goose will eat the corn. How do you get them across?

The answer is so simple a child could get it: you beat the goose silly with an oar, and then take the fox across before he flees for his life. This question is so stupid I don't even know why they include it.

It never seems to have occurred to the LSAT people that their test might deign to include a few questions that actually relate to a lawyer's work. For example:

(1) Abe is a lawyer who wins a personal injury lawsuit for Betty, a quadriplegic. Abe should take a contingent fee of:
a. 30%
b. 50%
c. 100%
d. (The correct answer) 100%, plus a bonus for taking a public service case.

Or:
(2) The judge receives a bribe of $ 5,000 from the plaintiff's lawyer. He then receives a bribe of $ 10,000 from the defendant's lawyer. The judge should:
a. Notify the state bar association
b. Notify the police
c. Notify the FBI
d. (The correct answer) Return $ 5,000 to the defendant and try the case on the merits.

The LSAT people say that LSAT preparation courses do not help, since the LSAT tests knowledge and skills that cannot be improved by last minute cramming. Regardless of what the LSAT people say, however, you will notice that there are several suspiciously solvent LSAT prep course companies who are happy to take your money. Of course, you can always choose to "go bare" and take the LSAT without any prep course at all. People who have done this in the past are called "nonlawyers."

You take the LSAT in a stifling room crammed with five hundred sweating people. It is immediately apparent that none of them has ever watched a deodorant commercial in his or her entire life. Through a strange quirk of fate, you have to sit right next to some moron who chomps loudly on Corn Nuts throughout the whole exam while wearing those artillery-range ear protectors that make it impossible for him to notice anything less than 7.5 on the Richter scale. They also make it impossible for you to tell him what an inconsiderate imbecile he is. Notice your feeling of panic and nausea as you take the LSAT. Get used to it.

After you take the LSAT, they send you your score and a statement explaining which "percentile" you are in. The "percentile" is the inverse percentage chance you have of spending your life doing something honest.


Look for more to come tomorrow!