Part 2 of How Not to Succeed in Law School

this is a continuation of the article/series of How not to succeed in law school.

These next two sections are pretty funny but the best section will come tomorrow.



How Not to Succeed in Law School
By James D. Gordon III, Professor of Law, Brigham Young University

100 Yale L.J. 1679
Copyright © 1991 Yale Law Journal Company.

III. CHOOSING A LAW SCHOOL

There are lots of fine law schools to choose from. For instance:

Harvard. Harvard is number one, as you can learn by asking anyone who went to Harvard. Or even if you don't ask. The only disadvantage of going to Harvard is that the graduation robes are the same color as Balls O' Fire Salmon Eggs.

Yale. Forget about Yale. It's so selective that no one ever goes there. If you find this statement doubtful, ask yourself this simple question: Do you personally know anyone who is going there now? Of course not. Oh, sure, there are lots of people who say that they went there in the past, now that it can't be verified. Don't you be fooled.

Michigan. This is a good school, except the official school drink is Prestone. As each winter comes to an end, someone will have to remind you not to stare at that big yellow ball in the sky.

Chicago. Learn how many Chicago law professors it takes to screw in a light bulb. (Answer: None. The market will take care of it itself.)

Boalt Hall (Berserkeley). Boalt is built on a hill overlooking one of the most spectacular views on earth: the San Francisco Bay and the Golden Gate Bridge. Therefore, they naturally designed the building so that all its huge picture windows face directly into the fraternity houses across the street. You can't catch a glimpse of the Bay, but you do have a terrific view of fraternity blobs sitting around in their gym shorts, drinking beer, belching, and listening to the music of Twisted Sister at 300 decibels. Oh well.

Columbia. On the front of the law school building at Columbia, you will notice a huge sculpture of a man who has put a noose around the neck of a horse and is throttling it to death. You will not be able to understand the true significance of this sculpture until several days into your first year at Columbia.

Northwestern. Northwestern deliberately charges the highest tuition, on the theory -- called the "Ray-Ban Theory" -- that people will note the price tag and conclude that it must be the best school. Its goal is that eventually people will refer to Harvard as "the Northwestern of the Northeast."

Other Top Ten Law Schools. There are about twenty-five schools in this category. Consult this week's AP and UPI polls.

The "Middle Group." The Middle Group includes all other accredited law schools. These schools actually teach the law.

About Two Thousand Unaccredited California Law Schools. For example: Frank and Morty's School of Law and Cosmetology of the Lower Level of the Seven Hills Shopping Mall. Don't let the classy name fool you. There are basically two requirements for admission to this institution:
1. A pulse, and
2. $ 12,000.
The first requirement can be waived.

Be sure to avoid law schools with "Jr." in the name, such as "Leland Stanford, Jr. Law School." These are actually junior law schools.

People often ask whether it's important that they attend a law school in the state where they intend to practice. The answer, of course, is NO. A good law school's curriculum is not tied to the law of any particular state. This is also true of the "elite" law schools, except that their curriculum is not tied to the law of any particular planet. You should attend one of those schools if you intend to practice law somewhere in the Andromeda Galaxy.

IV. APPLYING TO LAW SCHOOL

You will need to submit applications to several law schools, which will cost you fifty bucks a pop. Law schools have you fill out lengthy application forms which require you not only to provide your GPA and your LSAT score, but also to describe your unique abilities and experiences, and the ways in which you might add to the rich fabric of the law school class. It takes you about eighty hours to fill out each of these forms. It takes you even more time to write and polish and repolish the "personal statement." Check over your personal statement carefully to make certain that you have used the two key words every law school looks for: "endeavor" and "cognitive." If all else fails, slip in a sentence such as: "I have always endeavored to be cognitive in all my cognitive endeavors."

When the law school receives your application, it banks your check, adds up your GPA and your LSAT, and throws the rest of the application away. No sane admissions officer is going to wade through 6,000 personal statements. And no law school in its right mind would take the risk of letting you know that your scores are all that matters. If you knew that, you might not apply in the first place. Multiply fifty bucks times 6,000 applications, and you can begin to see their point.

Anyway, after submitting the applications, you will receive several letters saying, "CONGRATULATIONS! ! You are on the 'hold' list for getting on the 'preliminary waiting list' to be considered for admission." They want to make sure that they can fill their class and get the tuition money they need, so they won't reject you until after they see how many students show up on the first day of class. I mean, what does it hurt them if you give up your other career plans and lifelong ambitions, right? Do you want to go to law school or not? OK, then stop whining.

Then, finally, you get accepted.


I know the feeling described in that last paragraph oh so well. Tomorrow will be part 3.